Man Drought and Spider Problem

So, apparently there are no special boys in my life right now, but there are plenty of fucking spiders!! seriously. i've found like, 5 in the house in the past few days and i refuse to make friends with any of them because a) there will never be another bruce and b) they are not in my bedroom (thank god). There was, however, one in my mummys bedroom. i pointed it out, i said, theres a massive spider in your room, by the way. and she said, where? and i said, right there on the wall. and she said, great, now i'll never be able to get to sleep. i gave her the helpful advice of making friends with the spider. i said to her, just make friends with it. i made friends with a spider in my room once, his name was bruce, but he ran away and we arent friends anymore. she gave me a funny look.

i've been getting lots of funny looks lately.

i dont want to sound like a sad sack, but i'm going to anyway.

there are no boys in armidale, and im sorry if you are a male and from armidale and you read this, but be comforted by the fact that i dont mean there are LITERALLY no male species in the town, i mean there are simply none i am interested in. and if you are offended that i am not interested in you, take joy in noting that it is probably because we are such grand friends and that is better than having me like you romantically, for i am extremely annoying.

which is, perhaps, why i havent had a boyfriend for over a year.

and i get that, yeh, its probably my fault i dont have a boyfriend because i broke up with my last and blah blah blah, but FUCK OFF. i refuse to think that i can ONLY have ONE boyfriend.

the thing is, i've struggled going out lately, because i become to upset that i am just not good enough for someone in particular, who i have no doubt you know i'm talking about but i refuse to put it in print because typing it up makes it a little more real that i would like to admit.

sometimes i feel so ANGRY at myself because im such a pussy.

sometimes i feel so angry at everyone else because they just arent satisfied with how perfect their lives really are. they just dont get it. sometimes i get so jealous of people it just makes me want to kill myself. not really. but it does make me insanely mad.

i just wish that life were simple and that when you liked a boy, the boy likes you back. and for most people, that tends to work out. infact, that tends to work out for just about EVERYONE i know, except for me. maybe its because i tend to like retarded boys, and then if they arent retarded i get bored? maybe something is wrong with me.

MAYBE thats right. maybe i have this thing releasing from me, and its like, if i really really really like you (which, i'll be honest, has only happened for like, 3 people. the rest i've just grown into really liking) then you are NOT allowed to like me back. you can hook up with me, but really thats all i can ever be to you.

its really not very fair at all, the way i get messed around by boys.

heg says its because i go looking for boys at the pub. and boys at the pub are looking for sex whereas i am not. and while its true i dont go to the pub looking for sex, im not really looking for boys.

lets be completly honest here. hanna, you know it, i know it, it doesnt matter how mad i get at certain people, i still cant help but to want them to want me. but no one ever does. it makes me so sad i want to tear my hair out.

its like, all people ever see in me is the girl with the annoying voice and big boobs who went and did the stupidest thing possible and got them chopped off when really, that was her one selling point. they also just think im a drunken maniac. they probably think im always happy. they probably think that nothing ever gets to me. they probably see me, and then see the more attractive girl standing right next to me, who may or may not be the person i'm out with. its like, people see right through me. 

and it doesnt matter how much effort i put it, its like its never enough effort. there are always prettier girls, skinnier girls, girls with better hair, girls who are sexier, girls who everyone wants. sometimes there are girls that everyone wants and i just dont get why people want them. sometimes i wonder if i were a little more skinnier, if my nose was just a little smaller, if my voice was just a little lower, would people want me, too?

sorry this was a bit of a sad blog.

im just feeling a bit shit today