3 months, 27 days

So i've been in this country for that long, and it seems to me that that is really really really depressing.
first of all, i have one friend. ONE. and she goes home in less than 2 weeks AND shes in florida. i feel really dissapointed in everything because i feel like, i've been in new york for 2 months - why isnt it getting any better.
i've become a bit of a loser. i sit around in the house all day. this weekend, i left the house twice. once was to return a lipbalm because i accidently picked up the tester a couple of weeks ago. the other time was today because i wanted thai food.
the thai food wasnt very nice.
i tried to call this one girl, laura, who didnt answer, but had the time to write on my facebook page. she said she was just chillin today from such a busy week. then it dawned on me that she screens her calls and just doesnt answer when she doesnt want to do anything. she didnt answer the phone all week, but it was a busy week?
apparently im just no included in the plans.
i dont like going out here because people pressure me to drink and i just dont feel like it. like, if i didnt want to in australia, people just left it. and i dont like not being able to leave when i want to. i was informed that i was a granny because i didnt want to stay out past 2. sorry for being tired.. and i was sober. oh, PS to all you people who say im a granny because i dont drink, um, pretty sure its illegal and i'll be sent home if im caught.
and its not like i'll never drink over here, but i just DONT FEEL LIKE IT right now, because i get too honest when im drunk and end up telling everyone that i dont like them and just want to go back home.
i dont really want to go back to armidale, when i move back to australia i am moving to sydney. but im not staying here any longer. i thought after nearly 4 months i'd stop being so unhappy, but i was wrong. im still not happy, i still miss home, and i still have no friends.
my life sucks.

Crying

I do not see the use in crying. some people say it makes you feel better, but i dont think it does. whenever i cry, i always feel a little bit ashamed of myself. it frustrates me when other people cry. what is that point?
having said that, i do cry quite a bit (and so i feel ashamed of myself quite a bit too).

Things About Being Pale

Those who read this (respect to you, hanna and luke) would know that i am quite a pale person.

The thing with being pale is that well.. there are a few things about being pale. it has its benefits and its negatives.

Here are some things i think you all should know about being pale.

• i look sick ALL THE TIME. this is both good and bad at the same time.
  Good: it is easy for me to fake being sick
  Bad: it is embarrasing when people tell you that you look sick when you feel really quite healthy. it is more embarrasing when this happens more than 5 times in one day (yeh, it happened. people can be so rude)


• i do not tan. like, sure, i get a bit more coloured in the summer SOMETIMES but as a general rule i dont. this might be because of the next reason:


• i glow in sunlight. im not kidding. light ACTUALLY reflects off my skin. i would be the perfect candidate to play a vampire in twilight, just add some glitter and i do all the special effects. BECAUSE of this, i tend to stay out of the sun because people WILL mock me. again i say, people can be so rude


• one time i went to the beach and my skin was whiter than the sand. yep. WHITER THAN THE SAND


• on the plus side, i am not a ranga, and therefore i am more attractive than pale rangas. simply because my freckles are brown, not orange.


• it is very rare for the shops not to have my colour of foundation in stock (should they MAKE it pale enough.. some do not) because unless you are goth, its not commen to have such pale skin. verrrryyy helpful in sales.


• sometimes i look really quite elegant when my freckles are covered.. i have been told it is very beautiful to have pale ivory skin. i dont tend to believe this, but i can dream.


• fake tans generally do not go orange on me. this is a general rule. sometimes it happens (this is when the brand the salon uses is shit). i think this is because when people who already have colour and get more colour put on, the 2 colours contrast, making you orange. I on the otherhand, do not HAVE any colour for the faketan to contrast with, so it usually turns out fine.


• i have had to put up with many vampire jokes (im looking at YOU luke wratten. thanks for year 12.. btw getting a nosejob in a few years.)


• if i am tired, it shows on my face. i really do get the most terrible bags under my eyes.


• it means i have a fairly unique look.


• i will never, EVER be able to dye my hair blonde, because i will look WEIRD unless i start getting regular fake tans. NEVER EVER with this skin colour tho.

so there are some things about being pale. i really do wish i were tanned tho. i should get a fake tan tomorrow!!!

i wont.. im too lazy.

letters to many things that probably cant read, and maybe to a couple of things/people that can.

Dear Bruce,
Whatever happened to you? one day you were in my life and the next you were gone, never to be seen again.
my room is very clean at the moment, bruce, but it is decidedly empty because i am in a different country. i wonder, what happens to my room in all that silence. does reggie ever go in there? did you like reggie, bruce? i like reggie a fair bit. what will happen to all my stuff that doesnt get used for a year? i should have sold everything.
hanna, should you read this, do you have any of my dvds?
I'm pretty sure you must be dead, bruce, and that saddens me, because you were a pretty awesome spider. i hope you rest in peace. have you met any cool celebs in heaven? do spiders go to the same heaven as people? say hi to god for me, tell him im sorry for my sins, but im going to keep doing them because living without sin is kinda boring.
Love Ann-Marie.



Dear Reggie,
you are my lovely dog and i love you ever so much. will you forget about me this year? im sorry that i left you, you probably dont understand why i did that. people seem to leave you, poor reggie. jane, the love of your life, left very unexpectedly one day, and you probably dont know what you did wrong. Reggie, my lovely dog, you didnt do anything wrong. sometimes i feel sorry for you beccause you have a very simple life, and my life is very complicated, and i dont think you understand. sometimes i envy you because you're life is so simple and that must be very nice.
my favourite thing about you, reggie, is that you have the most fun of anyone of all. i think it is hilarious to watch you do funny things, like when no one will play with you and so you lie on the floor and use your paws to throw the toys in the air and catch them.
you are the greatest. never change.
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear iPhone,
you now belong to lyndal, but i feel you should know i miss you and everything about you. i especially misss the funny looks i got off people when i was talking to people with hands free and it looked like i was listening to my iPod so it looked like i was talking to myself.
i hope that lyndal treats you better than me, tho. as in, not dropping you/losing you all the time.
but i do miss you. my new phone is a peice of shit compared to you. actually it is pretty shit compared to most phones, but i guess it does the job.
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear Jane,
you were a pretty cool cat. it was especially nice that you were a lesbian. im sorry that you might not have had the best life. im sorry that you died in such a way. you were pretty annoying, but i think that was part of your charm. i wonder why you were so small. i wonder were you terribly depressed. you seemed pretty happy to me, but sometimes i think, for a cat, you had it pretty rought. i miss playing our meow games tho, you were a sneaky coniving cat. you were pretty smart, you know, with those games. it was funny how you used to wait ages and then meow really softly, almost silently, so i wouldnt hear you. but i did anyway, and then i would belt out a real loud meow that would shock you a little bit.
i remember the first day we got you, and i remember the day that you died, and i hope that you enjoyed your time with me.
i think that you had a pretty tough time filling Ringos shoes, he was an awesome cat and i dont know if its possible to beat that, but for the record, i think you did a pretty decent job of trying.
i did love you, jane, and i was devestated when you died.
rest in peace, jane the lesbian cat.
Love Ann-Marie.

Dear Honey,
Im pretty sure you arent right in the brain. but thats ok because you mental health problems are part of the reason i find you so hilarious.
this is only going to be short, but be nice to reggie. and try to be not so retarded.
you are a funny dog, but you are lovely.
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear Coles Supermarket Armidale,
You suck quite a bit.
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear TimTams,
I love you. i wish you existed in america. kindly find your way into my mothers shopping trip and into a box to america.
that would be greaaattt!
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear The Stro,
i miss getting drunk whilst located at you. You are a pretty awesome pub, and i usually hooked up whilst at you. once i hooked up with an exceptionally hot guy and i gave him my number but i was so drunk that i gave him the wrong one. he was so hot. another time i dressed up as a school girl and looked dayam fine. thankyou for your themes that allowed me to dress up like a slut and totally get away with it. i will be back in 9 months, and i will be hotter since i intend on being a solid size 8 so i'll me mega skinny and hot. i will also be very very drunk. and i'll probably hook up with someone i know i shouldnt but i will anyway because its been 3 months and im still quite enamored by him.
thanks for allowing me to make these mistakes. thanks for getting me so drunk. i love you (really)
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear Hanna,
You are lovely just the way you are. never change (this is very similar to my message to reggie. that is a compliment).
Love Ann-Marie.


Dear My Bedroom,
you are fucking great. you make my day, just looking at you. i miss sleeping in you. i miss sneaking people into you and pressing my arm against the headboard that was on the wrong side so that it didnt make noise. i miss my many, many pillows. i miss my blue sheets. i miss my john mayer poster. as far as bedrooms go, you were the perfect one for my late teens years. my new room is very grown up and boring. you are fun and not so boring. we will be reunited in 9 months, but not for long, because maybe it is time for me to grow up and move away from you and your pink walls and green curtains.
Love Ann-Marie.

Ponder

There are lots of words going through my head right now and i dont think i am going to be able to get them all out in one sitting since i always seem to get bored of blogs mid-blog and then think i'll finish that tomorrow and never do.. i have like, 1000 unfinished drafts on this stupid thing.

i dont even know why i have a blog since its not like anyone reads it except for a couple of people (whom i love) so its kind of just like having a diary except not really because i cant really spill my guts on here since, you know, people can read it, and i have some pretty messed up things that no one knows and i'll probably never tell anyone anyway.

i feel like when i write sad blogs, it looks like im just asking for attention like, oh look at me, im so sad, please compliment me and pay lots of attention to me and blah blah blah but im not really. its just that i'm too lazy to keep a diary and i feel like, especially with hanna, i dont get to talk to her that often because we are never on msn at the same time, and sometimes i get so consumed with things that i just kind of pretend im ok when i might not actually be ok.

like, sometimes its a bit annoying not to be the type of person that gets all depressed, to not be the type of person that freaks out about things. im too reliable without actually being at all reliable. sometimes i think that everything about me is just so average.

THINGS ABOUT ME THAT ARE AVERAGE:

• i have average looks. im not ugly but im not like drop dead ohmygodlookathowhotsheis beautiful. like, i guess i am a little bit pretty... but im not beautiful. people dont stand around talking about my looks.
• i maintain an average weight. im certainly not the most skinny person out there, but you wouldnt call me obese. im just there in the the middle, being average.
• i have an average brain. im not stupid (tho some might argue) but im not standout smart. i used to be smart, you know. apparently i have so much potential that i never actually lived up to until i just was content with being average. i tend to act stupid tho. is it depressing that i come off as a bit of a ditz? and does that mean i actually am a ditzy person? oh fuck me.
• i was average at school. and im not talking about brains. i mean, i had average friends, i was just sort of there. i wasnt massively popular but i wouldnt say i was a loser that was shunned by people.
• i have an average amount of money. im not rich, im not poor.
• im average at music. again, it seems to me like it was one of those potential things.. i was told i could have been great. but im not great. and it makes me feel a bit shit because when i was little music is what made me stand out, and now i can play like, 3 songs on the piano.. and could i even play violin now?
• i have an average voice. im sick of people telling me i can sing when no one has actually heard me sing for real. well some people have. i feel like, you know, i can sing in tune, sure, but its not like my voice is really that memorable. its just there. it doesnt do anything special, it doesnt sound special, it just goes in tune.

i cant really think of anymore. but im so average, and it makes me so annoyed because i dont WANT to be average. i want to be good at so many things, but im far too lazy to do anything except sit around and eat sourcream and onion chips with caramel hersheys kisses (although this might help me not have a so average weight, however it will be going the wrong way IE i will become a whale one day).

im in a bit of a weird mood today. i feel like life is moving forward, and im too busy waiting for it to happen to actually, you know, live. like, im in america with this fantastic opportunity but NOTHING IS HAPPENING!! it makes me so mad that im not making friends, and it makes me mad that it gets me down so much.. i mean friends are definitely super important, but i never realised how much i relied on my friends until i left them behind and discovered what it was like to not actually have any.. at all.. which i dont really. like there are a couple but i mean.. is that enough? how are you supposed to deal with a year alone.

why didnt anyone bother reaching out to me when i arrived. not a single person. i was never so good at making the first move...

i've been thinking alot about love lately. do i even know what love is? have i been in love? i've said i love you before.. but really? did i? no. what i mean is, yes, i loved him. i love everyone.. i mean, i love my freakin dog, ok? but was i IN LOVE with him? i seriously doubt that.

it is possible that i was in love with that first one. what is the difference between love and infatuation, can someone tell me that? can someone tell me what it feels like to be in love? can someone tell me why i cant seem to make the ones that i love, love me back all the time? can someone tell me why, even tho the scales are weighted towards me, i still never seem to win in this stupid game?
why couldnt i make him like me, and why did he like them more than me even if i was prettier than them? even tho i was nicer than them?
why do i let people walk all over me.

im kind of a bitch. i dont know if anyone else has noticed that, but im a bitch, and im superficial as well. i care what people think about me. i like to hang with the right people. i want people to think im hot. let me ask you, is it wrong for me to want a nosejob? and let me ask myself, what will it change. for me, i feel like it will change the way i look at myself. but how far will i go to look how i want to look, thats the real question.. like, i've had my boobs fixed so i like them, i got braces so i'd like my teeth... nosejob i WILL get one day (been determined for quite sometime, dears) but then whats next? collegen? botox? how far will i go to feel good about myself. will i ever feel good about myself, even if i look good on the outside, is it really what is on the inside that counts?

i never got that stupid expression.. some of the bitchiest people i know are ugly. arg i could go on about how stupid it is, but i cant be bothered. if anyone ever tells you they dont care about what people think, they do. they care. otherwise they wouldnt say that. its like, people dont care when they honestly walk around in whatever the hell they want, without a care, and HONESTLY never talk about it. saying i dont care what people think shows that you do care. you want them to think you are cool, but what defines cool?

sometimes i get so upset i want to cry and cry and cry, but tears dont usually fall.
i wish i cried more often. i wish i was always able to say what i feel and when i feel it and however i want to, but im a secretive person, and you will probably never know everything about me. it might shock you, that statement, but know this - im always extremely skilled in lying. so you might think you know everything about me. but you dont. you dont know anything at all.