Ponder

There are lots of words going through my head right now and i dont think i am going to be able to get them all out in one sitting since i always seem to get bored of blogs mid-blog and then think i'll finish that tomorrow and never do.. i have like, 1000 unfinished drafts on this stupid thing.

i dont even know why i have a blog since its not like anyone reads it except for a couple of people (whom i love) so its kind of just like having a diary except not really because i cant really spill my guts on here since, you know, people can read it, and i have some pretty messed up things that no one knows and i'll probably never tell anyone anyway.

i feel like when i write sad blogs, it looks like im just asking for attention like, oh look at me, im so sad, please compliment me and pay lots of attention to me and blah blah blah but im not really. its just that i'm too lazy to keep a diary and i feel like, especially with hanna, i dont get to talk to her that often because we are never on msn at the same time, and sometimes i get so consumed with things that i just kind of pretend im ok when i might not actually be ok.

like, sometimes its a bit annoying not to be the type of person that gets all depressed, to not be the type of person that freaks out about things. im too reliable without actually being at all reliable. sometimes i think that everything about me is just so average.

THINGS ABOUT ME THAT ARE AVERAGE:

• i have average looks. im not ugly but im not like drop dead ohmygodlookathowhotsheis beautiful. like, i guess i am a little bit pretty... but im not beautiful. people dont stand around talking about my looks.
• i maintain an average weight. im certainly not the most skinny person out there, but you wouldnt call me obese. im just there in the the middle, being average.
• i have an average brain. im not stupid (tho some might argue) but im not standout smart. i used to be smart, you know. apparently i have so much potential that i never actually lived up to until i just was content with being average. i tend to act stupid tho. is it depressing that i come off as a bit of a ditz? and does that mean i actually am a ditzy person? oh fuck me.
• i was average at school. and im not talking about brains. i mean, i had average friends, i was just sort of there. i wasnt massively popular but i wouldnt say i was a loser that was shunned by people.
• i have an average amount of money. im not rich, im not poor.
• im average at music. again, it seems to me like it was one of those potential things.. i was told i could have been great. but im not great. and it makes me feel a bit shit because when i was little music is what made me stand out, and now i can play like, 3 songs on the piano.. and could i even play violin now?
• i have an average voice. im sick of people telling me i can sing when no one has actually heard me sing for real. well some people have. i feel like, you know, i can sing in tune, sure, but its not like my voice is really that memorable. its just there. it doesnt do anything special, it doesnt sound special, it just goes in tune.

i cant really think of anymore. but im so average, and it makes me so annoyed because i dont WANT to be average. i want to be good at so many things, but im far too lazy to do anything except sit around and eat sourcream and onion chips with caramel hersheys kisses (although this might help me not have a so average weight, however it will be going the wrong way IE i will become a whale one day).

im in a bit of a weird mood today. i feel like life is moving forward, and im too busy waiting for it to happen to actually, you know, live. like, im in america with this fantastic opportunity but NOTHING IS HAPPENING!! it makes me so mad that im not making friends, and it makes me mad that it gets me down so much.. i mean friends are definitely super important, but i never realised how much i relied on my friends until i left them behind and discovered what it was like to not actually have any.. at all.. which i dont really. like there are a couple but i mean.. is that enough? how are you supposed to deal with a year alone.

why didnt anyone bother reaching out to me when i arrived. not a single person. i was never so good at making the first move...

i've been thinking alot about love lately. do i even know what love is? have i been in love? i've said i love you before.. but really? did i? no. what i mean is, yes, i loved him. i love everyone.. i mean, i love my freakin dog, ok? but was i IN LOVE with him? i seriously doubt that.

it is possible that i was in love with that first one. what is the difference between love and infatuation, can someone tell me that? can someone tell me what it feels like to be in love? can someone tell me why i cant seem to make the ones that i love, love me back all the time? can someone tell me why, even tho the scales are weighted towards me, i still never seem to win in this stupid game?
why couldnt i make him like me, and why did he like them more than me even if i was prettier than them? even tho i was nicer than them?
why do i let people walk all over me.

im kind of a bitch. i dont know if anyone else has noticed that, but im a bitch, and im superficial as well. i care what people think about me. i like to hang with the right people. i want people to think im hot. let me ask you, is it wrong for me to want a nosejob? and let me ask myself, what will it change. for me, i feel like it will change the way i look at myself. but how far will i go to look how i want to look, thats the real question.. like, i've had my boobs fixed so i like them, i got braces so i'd like my teeth... nosejob i WILL get one day (been determined for quite sometime, dears) but then whats next? collegen? botox? how far will i go to feel good about myself. will i ever feel good about myself, even if i look good on the outside, is it really what is on the inside that counts?

i never got that stupid expression.. some of the bitchiest people i know are ugly. arg i could go on about how stupid it is, but i cant be bothered. if anyone ever tells you they dont care about what people think, they do. they care. otherwise they wouldnt say that. its like, people dont care when they honestly walk around in whatever the hell they want, without a care, and HONESTLY never talk about it. saying i dont care what people think shows that you do care. you want them to think you are cool, but what defines cool?

sometimes i get so upset i want to cry and cry and cry, but tears dont usually fall.
i wish i cried more often. i wish i was always able to say what i feel and when i feel it and however i want to, but im a secretive person, and you will probably never know everything about me. it might shock you, that statement, but know this - im always extremely skilled in lying. so you might think you know everything about me. but you dont. you dont know anything at all.