Dear John

So I go to the movies a lot. Like, I believe I go more than what would be considered normal. so I go to these movies and I sit there and I watch them and then I talk about it to the person I watched it with and then it usually ends with me saying "I want a boyfriend" (note: it does not matter what type of movie I watch, I always say this at the end. it could be an icky gory horror movie and I would finish saying how gross it was and how I didn’t want to see her guts being torn out and then like clockwork, this would happen "...*sigh*... I want a boyfriend". but that is a WHOLE OTHER STORY)
so I thought, considering the amount of movies I watch, maybe I should do something constructive and actually, I don’t know review them.
Please note the following:
1. I watch pretty crap movies. No artsy or critically acclaimed stuff for me
2. I’m not very good at keeping secrets, so I’m probably going to wreck all these movies for you.
SO IF YOU DONT WANT TO KNOW HOW IT ENDS, STOP READING! Even better, I’ll just warn you whenever I’m about to spoil something.
I thought I’d start off with the movie I most recently watched, "Dear John".
I’m not going to lie, mainly I wanted to see this movie because a) it was based on a book by Nicholas sparks and he wrote the notebook and I love the note book and b) it starred Channing Tatum, and I was pretty sure I was going to get a glimpse of him topless (ps you totally do) (pps this isn’t me spoiling the movie because they showed me topless in the commercials for it, so suck it). So as you can see, standards for watching movies are not high.

Anyway.

So, pretty much what happens is there’s this guy called John and he is in the army. And then there’s this girl called Savannah and she is not in the army. And the there’s this other guy whose name I can’t remember, but part of me felt like he was a douche and part of me felt sorry for him because he clearly tried really hard to be cool but was never going to be as hot as Channing Tatum. And then they are all at this beach town called... I forget... and then the half douche/half pity case guy knocks Savannahs bag into the water and John jumps of the freaking jetty to retrieve it for her. This pretty much combines a few things that I quite enjoy: jetty jumping, bags and Channing Tatum without his shirt on.

Then the douche/charity case is like “this dude is fully crazy” and “I was just going in to get the bag” and “who the hell jumps off a jetty?!” and Savannah is all moony eyed and John and John is all awkward and shit. Look, I just have to state it here that Savannah looks weird. She’s played by Amanda Seyfried and I’m sorry, but I’ve had a problem with her looks ever since she was Karen in Mean Girls. It’s not that she’s UGLY. It’s just that there’s something not right about her in regard to her looks. I mean, her eyes are way big... she kinda looks a bit like an emancipated child. I don’t know. I can’t find this girl sexy. So while she’s looking all moony eyed and John and trying to be flirty, all I can think is, you look kinda weird.
Having said that, the girl does have amazing legs, so when I saw them I was all like dang I wish I had those legs.

Then Savannah convinces John to come to her house for a BBQ and they act all weird around each other and this is CLEARLY them falling in love. Then he asks her on a date and he manages to walk onto a fucking fire (I think that’s the directors/writers way of making him look all cute and nervous, but really it just makes him look like an idiot who can’t see where a fucking FIRE is). Then there’s this creepy guy whos name is Tim and he has this kid with Autism and he lives next door to Savannah so their families are all tight and shit. And he tells John if he breaks her heart he’ll have to hurt him by breaking his leg or something, and I’m looking at this guy like, John could crush on in a second dude, stop trying to be tough.

So then a bit after that it turns out Savannah is this total goody goody who is spending her spring break building a house for this family who lost theirs in some really bad storm instead of getting drunk like practically every other college kid in America. And she takes John to the house while no one is working on it and SUPRISE it starts raining and they run under cover even though they are already soaked and Savannah says something about how people seemed scared of him when they went on a date (I didn’t mention the date because I didn’t care about it) and he was like, they are scared of what I used to be, not who I am now and then Savannah is all like, you don’t scare me, John, and John says “well you scare me” and then SUPRISE they start making out.
Look, Hollywood, I fully get that Nicholas sparks writes these amazing romance novels, but try not to mix everything up. What is one of the most famous scenes from the notebook? The making out in the rain scene. If you ask me, this scene was a little bit to similar.
Having said that, it was an amazingly hot kiss. I want someone to kiss me like that. Actually, it was a little bit erotic too, because he like lifted her up and she had her legs wrapped around him and then he sat down and she sat on top of him and I’m like, wow, for a girl who doesn’t sleep around (this was announced earlier too. Turns out Savannah is some form of perfect) you sure do kiss pretty sluttily for a first kiss. AHHH who am I kidding? That kiss would be slutty for anyone even if it was their first kiss.

Also, I don’t get why he sat down. It can’t be comfortable. It’s fucking pouring with rain, so he’s just sitting in this giant puddle kissing this girl who looks like an emancipated alien... a PRETTY emanceipated alien, but alien looking none-the-less.

Then you have a typical Hollywood slideshow type thing of their budding romance and then it’s been 2 weeks and they have a fight and then John accidently punches a whole bunch of people including that Tim guy, and then he leaves Savannah a note and then Savannah comes over and they make out a bit more.

Then John goes to war, and they write a heap of sappy letters to each other about how much they miss each other and blah blah blah.

Look. I’m sorry. Maybe it’s just because I personally am not a very romantic person, but I feel like you can’t really love a person if you’ve only known them for 2 goddamn weeks. But apparently in this movie it is possible.

Then a whole bunch of crap happens and 911 happens and John extends and Savannah gets all mad at him because they’ve already been apart for a year and blah blah blah. Then they have sex in a barn.

Yeh, you heard me. A BARN! Like, I’m pretty sure Savannah just lost her big V card, and it happened in a barn. Or, I guess if I were to be correct, it is more of a stable. As in where the horses are kept. NOTE: the ARE in that sentence, not WERE... yeh... that’s right. She lost her big V card in a horse stall that was next to another horse stall that actually HAD a horse in it. I get the whole “we are so in love we can’t keep our hands off each other for a second longer, but really? A stable? I also fully respect that you still lived with your parents which made the house difficult, but I think it will be PRETTY OBVIOUS to your parents that you got your giggity on when you walk out of the barn the next morning in last nights clothes with hay in your hair, holding hands with John. This is pretty much the same thing as you walking into the kitchen and screaming “MUM! DAD! I LOST MY BIG V LAST NIGHT IN THE STABLES”
Idiots.

I don’t know why I just started typing like I was actually talking TO Savannah then...

Anyway, then John goes back to war and the letters start again and it’s all a bit boring and mushy until Savannah stops writing to John. And he is checking the mail bag every time and not getting anything.

Look, I’m about to spoil something real big just here:

Then FINALLY he gets a letter but it turns out to be the shittest letter of all time. Savannah is all like, I’m dumping yo ass (she worded it nicer than that) and so then John gets upset and burns all the letters. And the audience is like, wtf is he doing, they’ll just get back together when he gets home from war... then this guy whos in the army with him goes up and they are talking and then the guy is like, you’ll patch things up when you go home and John goes, she’s already met someone else.

At this point in the movie, this is what was going through my mind “FUCK YOU SAVANNAH!! I FUCKING HATE YOU!! YOU ARE A GODDAMN BITCH”. To be fair, I think I actually said a couple of these things. For the rest of the movie, I hated Savannah. Every time I saw her or John, I thought “I hate you” (to her) or “I hate Savannah” to John. So pretty much the rest of the movie, to me, was a giant hate fest.

Sorry to go off on a tangent but fuck Savannah. Seriously.

So then John decides to stay at war. And ends up getting fucking shot. All I could think was “if John dies, it’s all your fucking fault Savannah” and then it’s all he is in hospital and he’s talking to his father about how the first thing he thought about when he get shot was coins (personally I would be thinking, oh fuck I just got shot and it really fucking hurts but whatever floats your boat) and the last thing he thought about before he blacked out was him.

So then even after going through rehabilitation for his injuries (you know, getting shot in the shoulder) he still doesn’t want to go home cos Savannah doesn’t love him anymore, so he STILL stays in the war. That is until it turns out his father is really sick and he gets sent back to America. I’m sorry I haven’t really touched on the father issue, but I just want to state it here, I fucking loved the dad in this movie. Every time I saw him, I loved him. So the dad has like Autism or something and is real awkward but I have to say, well done to the screenwriter/director for making such a likable character. In the same way though, I felt sorry for him, and every time I saw the dad I just wanted to cry because he was trying so hard but just struggling. Seriously likable character though. So he collects coins, right, and one of my favourite parts of the movie is when he shows Savannah this special coin that is his favourite out of all the other coins. To cut a massively long story short, it turns out John found the coin when he was little and noticed it wasn’t a usual coin so then showed his dad who then took it to get priced and it was this real rare coin that was worth like, $4000. After that the dad became obsessed with collecting coins, and John and him really connected over it till he was a teen and started being a jerk to his dad.
Honestly, as hot as John is, I still think the dad is my favourite character in the whole movie.

So then the dad dies and it’s really sad and John sells the entire coin collecting except the original coin which he keeps for himself. And no one goes to the dads’ funeral, because the dad just stayed home all the time and wouldn’t leave the house. It was really sad. I cried a little bit.

Then John goes to visit Savannah. At first I thought it was to get mad at her for not going to his dads funeral cos they were close (the dad and Savannah I mean) but then it turns out she didn’t know and then THATS when the big shock of the movie comes out.

So Savannah is all married and the whole time everyone is thinking it was that douche guy from the start of the movie who was like in love with Savannah. So then Savannah takes John inside and then after a while goes to get something so John starts looking at the photos and comes across a wedding photo. So then it zooms in on it and it turns out it WASNT the douchy guy from the start of the movie but TIM! The next door neighbour. Whos really old and kind of creepy. SHE MARRIED HIM! Everyone in the cinema is like, OH MY GOD. Actually, on a side note, I was sitting in front of this black guy who was like, oh HELL no and it was really funny and kind of lightened the mood a bit for me.

Seriously, if I didn’t hate Savannah before, I sure did hate her then. I can’t believe she left the specimen that is John for that old guy. What a fucking idiot.

So then it turns out Tim has cancer and they have to money left and although they don’t SAY it in the movie he mysteriously gets enough money for a final treatment. Then John goes back to war and Savannah writes John a letter that was like, I’m so glad I had the last 4 months with him blah blah blah. So he died.

Then at the very end of the movie they hug but I don’t know if they got back together or not.

You know, when I saw the movie I thought, wow this movie is really good, but looking back on it, it was actually kinda shit. Maybe I just liked it because of the whole Channing Tatum thing, but I bet I’d like it again if I saw it again.

All in all I give this movie 2 ½ stars. Out of 5. Which isn’t SO bad, really....